Journey....

Journey... an integral part of one's life...

The first thing that comes to my mind when I think of journey is always an empty never ending dusted road with, as one of my friends calls it, grasslands on either side of it...It is a persisting dream...It starts like this...

There I stood looking at the vast grounds in front of me trying to figure out what am I to do there with no one around and then, just to do something start out on a walk towards the end that is not to be seen...Then I start seeing people, I know, know me, not near me, not far away, somewhere ahead of me, somewhere behind me, on the whole all around me in the road going to a place I can't guess....I start running to reach them...Then I realize they always stand remain at the same place relative to me, how hard and fast I may run they don't come any closer....nor do they go away from me...suddenly it struck me I can as well shout and call them to get their attention and I started shouting out their names...

Now standing there I started shouting out there names as I call out each name whomever I call started noticing the presence of others around and started moving towards them...But they…they never notice me... As I see this I again try running towards others but still I don't move an inch...the gap between us never reduce...

I didn't know why but somehow I got irritated...I, even till today, cannot guess why I was so restless...I was so desperate to meet them talk to them...That was usually not the way I would have done, rather felt, in such a place, and on any day other than that day (actually I don't know if it is day or night), apparently. I actually prefer some time with the person I love the most...Me...but that day I wanted someone with me...anyone but someone for me to feel...a feeling I cannot name...My pride of being a brave boy, did not let me accept that the feeling was that, a result of me being terrified or scared...even without that feel of pride…or ego...or whatever I could tell you it wasn't fear I was sweating and all but I would've bet my life on it...it wasn't fear...It was a feeling of being lost, aloofness and a sense of depression for being left alone.

AAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMaaaaaaaaaaa....AAhhhhh.....AARGGGGGGGGGhhhhhhhhh..............

It started to pain...A Pain...As I never felt in those 20 years...I cannot bear...just cannot...It was...as if...as if my whole world was being punctured by sharp nails...as if I was being hit by a nailed hunter...I couldn't bear it...even now I'm getting Goosebumps as I think of it...it was horrible...I didn't know what to do...

All of a sudden the pain faded, leaving only some tinkling sensation with the high adrenalin remaining me of the pain i was in but most importantly I was part of SMART (srinivas, Madhu,  anil, rakesh, tapan). They said lets swim, smiling. Their smiling faces always gave me a sense of home and self-belief. They jumped into a pool of water in front of us. I never knew that these guys could swim. But somehow it didn't come as a shock and I was shocked that it didn't come as a shock. As I jumped into the water and started the laps they all were continued alongside me. And as always without any reason raced with no one in particular and swam faster than I could manage and past all 4 of them.

Time was like stagnant and after what time I don’t remember, after those wonderful jokes, long discussions, heated arguments and smiling confessions, many pulling legs figuratively and literally, we wanted to go ashore of, what now looked like a big water body whose only boundary visible was from which we jumped in. Neither did it come as a shock to me.

As we started back slowly one after other all the four of them swam past me, though I was shocked I thought maybe I’m too tired after all the overkill. But somehow I took it too personal, now I feel as I think of it. I started more “beat kicks” per rotation and faster hand rotations. But the distance only seemed to be increasing between them and me. As the last of them reached shore I realized that it’s not that I was going slowly, but that I was not going at all. I was stuck.

Panic again crept in as if it was just waiting for that moment. The realization that I was stuck and panic along with something else was trying to pull me down the abyss. After, I don’t know when, I looked at the shore, but now all four of them were standing at four different corners of the water body which was a circular one when we jumped in and all four in front of me. I could now see the path beyond the pond and what I saw was weird.

I could all see the people whom I saw in the morning (which I felt morning as it looked like night now as it was dark and creepy) standing on one side of the bank. The other side was the real shocker for, there stands all those great minds I’ve ever admired and looked up to looking down at me not because I was down but they are looking down at me. And the pain the same pain which was ended by this started again I asked for help, cried, some of those people on the known people side felt I was far from helpable stage but some tried but only with hopelessness in the actions and thoughts. The other side asked me work it out and said “we felt you are capable of it please don’t let us down”.

I looked at the four with plea in my eyes. All the four now are together and straight in front of me. Though at first they looked concerned and asked me what is happening how they could help, slowly they felt I was doing in purpose and trying the cry baby for the attention and started smiling at me. I couldn't blame them for my direction now was away from them I was turned around by something I didn't know. And their flashy smile was actually flashy and blinding. I had to close my eyes.

I vaguely remember what was going through my mind...what I did then and all that is not clear for me now...I'm not sure what are sequence of events that happened...then something like big hand lift me up from what I can't exactly tell...All of it is blurred...but after the hand released me I started to run...away from something I don't remember...all that part was completely vague...

Now am not sure if I was running away from something or towards something...all I remember is that I'm running...and...I'm all of a sudden happy...I'm actually enjoying...THE FREE RUN...of what I remember of that place I'm going on a freelance...